Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
You Might Also Like
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*