Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I have no passwords left in me
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG