me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
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How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.