She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.