Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!