Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
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COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
😂💯
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now