[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up