Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
You Might Also Like
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.