[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Breaking news:
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?