Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
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This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
We all have our pet causes.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Banana is the quietest snack
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?