When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked