[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
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I’m literally crying
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?