I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
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My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Jesus Christ lmao
Oceanography is all about current events
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad