My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
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Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
this is how life feels
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants