doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
choose your gary
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
CUTE CAT‼︎
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers