What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Oops I deleted….
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it