Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The fall of Netflix
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.