“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
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Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I’m not alone. I have ants.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My whole life was a lie.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?