me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
*seductively corrects your posture*
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
pat pat