Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
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Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Stick it to the man
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.