Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
You Might Also Like
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Pretty much. 🤣
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.