I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.