At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Social Media and Real life
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?