Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce