The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief