All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked