Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.