Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.