What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.