Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.