A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.