Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Love is in the air fryer.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”