my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
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I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.