Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
You Might Also Like
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
âI canât believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.â – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, mâlady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I get it, McFlurry machine. I donât work when Iâm at work either.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, âWho am I?â, she responds, âYouâre the king and youâre better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!â
I am so, so embarrassed that I didnât program her first.
*pronounces âcombâ like âbombâ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Canât, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Son: Weâre having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. Thatâs for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.