You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
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I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I WON A HAM TODAY
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.