I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
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Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.