When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
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I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words