A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.