The cake is mightier than the sword.
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My first child will be named New Folder.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
this is so top tier i cant
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…