bad
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worchester
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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
PLOT TWIST:
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with