When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
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TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
One venti cheeseburger please.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail