Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
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Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”