Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
? 💀
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
The Compass
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out