Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black