A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
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me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
scrabbled eggs
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly