The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
You Might Also Like
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.