When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
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I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!