If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.