If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business