Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
You Might Also Like
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I have so many questions.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.